The superpower every leader needs: how to listen to empower

You’re probably a good listener You listen attentively. You know how important it is to listen to understand, to pay attention.

But do you ever find that as you listen to someone, you start thinking about what you’ll say when they’ve finished speaking? Your attention is on what you’ll say rather than on really listening. You might notice yourself thinking “how can I help, what can I suggest or do to solve this for them?”.  You’re hearing them but you’re not really listening.  

I’d like to share with you how you can be a better listener and empower others through the quality of your attention. I’ve learned that giving attention that is generative can be a greater gift than anything we can offer in our response. It’s a more powerful way to help and support someone. Giving attention that is profoundly encouraging can restore someone’s power to think for themselves, can give them the power to find their own answers and make better decisions.

If you’re in a leadership role, do people view you as someone who has all the answers? You probably have expertise that brings others to you for help. What do you do when someone comes to you with a problem? Are you inclined to respond with an answer or even to take on the problem yourself? We can be conditioned to listen to reply, to fix, to solve, to diagnose.

Real leadership is about being able to generate the finest thinking of others. Are you interested in learning how to enable others to solve problems for themselves, and how you can build their confidence, and listen in a way that have a lasting and powerful effect? Let me share with you how  listening in a Thinking Environment® can do that.

How can how we’re treated affect our thinking?

In her groundbreaking development of the Thinking Environment, Nancy Kline (founder of Time to Think Ltd) observed that “the single most important factor in whether people can think for themselves well, is how they are being treated by the people with them when they are thinking”.

You’ve probably noticed that. You know how it feels when someone isn’t really listening to you,  when their attention is elsewhere. Or how it feels if you sense you’re being judged or criticised by the person listening to you.

Can you think of a time you wanted to think something through, maybe you were trying to figure something out or untangle a problem. You wanted to talk it through with a friend but you sensed that as they were listening, they were getting ready to tell you what they thought. They seemed more focussed on what they wanted to say than on what you were saying. They were so keen to jump in with comments that they didn’t really give you space to think for yourself.

Being treated like that impacts on the quality of  your thinking. It can lead you to think more cautiously, to hold back, to limit yourself. You won’t really do your best thinking.

What’s different about being listened to In a Thinking Environment?

When were you last listened to without interruption, without judgement? That’s what happens in a Thinking Environment. You’re listened to with interest, with appreciation and encouragement. The listener believes in you and their focus is on you, on inspiring you to do your best thinking.  

I was amazed when I first experienced this approach. Being listened to in this way gave me the space to consider not just the first thing that came to my mind, but to go further, to reach into my mind and explore possibilities. I had the space to notice assumptions that were getting in my way. Because I could think without distraction, it was as if a fog lifted and I could see things more clearly. As I figured  things out, the listener’s silent appreciative encouragement built my confidence about what I could do, about how I could move forward.   

When I learned how to listen to someone in this way, to giev the opportunity to think, I discovered that my attention was a greater catalyst for their thinking than anything I could have said. By resisting the temptation to offer them my thinking and appreciating their ability to think well for themselves, it freed them to spark their own insights and ideas. Because I let go of competing with them by offering my thinking, I gave them the courage to find their own answers. I learned that the greatest gift you can give someone is the framework in which they can think for themselves.

How can you create a Thinking Environment?

At the heart of the Thinking Environment is the promise not to interrupt someone, supported by a quality of generative attention enabled by Ten Components. Embodying these  behaviours in a conversation or with a  group can transform what happens.

We often think the best way to help someone is through the content of what we say. Yet you can have a far greater impact through the quality of your attention. As Nancy Kline explains in her book “The Promise That Changes Everything: I Won’t Interrupt You” (2020), attention is a catalytic force that unlocks richer thinking than anything you could say to them. Believing in someone’s ability to think well for themselves will lead them to their own answers. And encouraging them through your attention can build their self-esteem, and give them the courage to make what they are thinking about real.

What happens for a Thinker?

What happens to you if you’re distracted or interrupted you as you think? It can happen if someone cuts across you when you’re speaking or if they start asking questions or telling you what they think before you’re finished. Or you may be distracted by how they’re behaving.

Distractions and interruptions can trigger the fear centre of your brain, can trigger a threat response. Your “fight/flight/freeze” reaction might kick in, adrenaline and cortisol flooding the brain’s prefrontal cortex, shutting down your ability to think well. You may have heard the term “amygdala hijack” , which was used by psychologist Daniel Goleman to describe what can happen in the brain as we react to a threat.

In some stressful work environments, the interplay of interruption and reaction can almost be normalised. If you work in a culture where people operate under pressure or where unhelpful behaviours are tolerated, you may not even realise how much the environment is affecting you, how much it impairs the quality of everyone’s thinking. It can cause people to misread information, to misperceive situations. It can diminish the quality of decisions.

When you create the conditions of a Thinking Environment (e.g. Attention, Equality, Ease) the brain will not be in a fear state, the limbic system can become calm, and as a result, you’ll think more clearly and creatively. Knowing you won’t be interrupted will help you relax and go further in your thinking.

How can you empower someone by listening?

When you give someone your attention and promise not to interrupt them, you’ll restore their power to think well for themselves. What happens for them comes not only from what they say, but  also because of what happens for them as they think and as they hear themselves say it.  

As they think, they might realise how they feel about a situation, they might discover what’s really bothering them. Their perspective on something might shift as they examine the problem. Thinking something through can lead them to discover something they overlooked or had wrongly assumed.  

Being listened to with encouragement, without judgement, will build a thinker’s self-esteem and confidence. They’ll be more likely to make progress, to take action, to make better decisions because they’ve arrive at the decision themselves. Owning the thinking will help them own the decision they need to make or the steps they want to take next.

What happens in the silence?

One of the most powerful aspects of listening in this way is recognising what happens when a thinker falls silent. They could be silently asking and answering questions for themselves. When a thinker resumes speaking, they might express an insight, or a question that occurred to them that they want to think about. This is why it’s important not to interrupt when someone falls silent. You could be interrupting their thinking and prevent them from reaching that insight.

I know how tempting it is to fill silence, I’ve been doing it for years. Doing this can be well-intentioned, it can be because we think that when a person falls silent, our speaking will encourage them, it will let them know we understand what they’ve been saying, or that we have something to offer. What I’ve learned is that a thinker isn’t necessarily silent in their heads, and that holding back and promising not to interrupt can be far more effective encouragement than anything I might say. It allows them continue their thinking, so they can reach the insight, or voice their idea or question.

Would you like to try this as an experiment?

Here’s a simple way to put this into practice the next time someone comes to you with a problem. If you’re inclined to react immediately by offering an answer or by taking on the problem yourself in an effort to help, try this different way to respond.   

When they ask for help, explain that you’d like to try something new, that you’ll give them a few minutes to outline the problem, at the end of which they can ask a question of you,  if they still want your help or input at that stage.

Explain that you’ll give them time free from interruption, that you’ll listen with interest and that you won’t speak until the agreed time is up. Agree a set time (say 5 or 10 minutes)  for them to outline the problem, and at the end of which, they can ask you a question.  Let them know they can take notes as they talk if they want to. They might want to capture something that occurs to them.

Explain that you’ll be interested in what they say and that you won’t speak, even if they fall silent. You could start the time by asking them “ what do you want to think about?”. Offering a question in this way can help someone start thinking. 

When you’ve asked the question, sit back and listen with interest. Listen with appreciation of their competence, silently appreciating how well they think for themselves. Trust that by not interrupting them, you’re helping improve the quality of their thinking.

Keep your eyes on them in a warm and encouraging way; this will demonstrate you’re paying attention.  Don’t make notes as they speak, as that could be a distraction.

Let go of any urge to reply or comment as you listen. Don’t speak at all until the time is up. Even if they fall silent, don’t speak. It’s likely they will resume talking after pausing silently. If they say they’re stuck, before the time is up, you could gently  ask “is there anything more?” and see what happens.

If a question occurs to you as you listen, resist the tempation to ask it; shift your attention back to listening. If you notice yourself preparing what you want to say, bring your attention back by staying interested in what they’re saying now and what they might say next.

Rather than preparing your response, keep your attention on listening to inspire them. You’ll have your chance to speak after the agreed time. And you don’t know until the time is up what question they want to ask you, or indeed if they will still want or need to ask you a question.

When the time is up, ask them “what question do you want to ask me?” and then you can respond.

It may be that at the end of their thinking time, they want to ask you for input or guidance, and that’s fine. The value of giving them boundaried time to think before they ask you and before your respond, is what happens for them as they think and also because they have a chance to figure out the question they most want to ask you.

What happened?

What did you notice about what happened as you listened?

What happened for them as they thought and spoke?

What difference did your attention make?

Was the question they asked you at the end, the same question they started with when they arrived, or had their thinking moved on?

How did the question they asked affect the focus of your response?

What happened for you as you let go of the need to comment?

What was good about that?

Ask the thinker what they noticed. How did they feel knowing they wouldn’t be interrupted? What did they notice happened at the end; did they still need to ask you a question and how had the question evolved from what they initially came to ask you?    

Do you want learn more about empowering in this way?  

Taking this new approach may feel strange at first.  It takes effort and practice. If you’d like to learn more and build these skills, join me on my Foundation Course  where you can see how to apply this powerful approach in different settings. Over two days, you’ll have the opportunity to practice thinking in Pairs and in Dialogue and learn how to structure meetings that result in more focussed use of time and lead to better outcomes.

How can this powerful way of listening benefit a team?  

As a leader, it’s important to create conditions for people to behave and interact in a way that  generates everyone’s best thinking, so that they can perform at their best individually and collectively.  Introducing this framework and these behaviours as a way of working will build psychological safety, encourage independent thinking and lead to more creative and innovative thinking and problem solving.

If  you want people to collaborate well and be engaged in what needs to be done, one of the most effective ways to do that is to create an environment where they can express their own independent thinking and  where they listen well to each other. Do you want people to be empowered individually and collectively?   

How can you create a safe environment that encourages independent thinking?

Using the Thinking Environment framework and conditions, you can create a non-judgemental place where people feel safe, where they can offer opinions, without fear of ridicule, without feeling the need to agree with everyone else or to toe the party line. Being able to think in a supportive environment gives people the confidence and courage to articulate their opinions even if they are at variance with others.

It’s important to hear what people have to say. They may raise a question you’re overlooked or call out a risk or a consequence that you need to plan for. They may have knowledge from experience that enables the team to see “if we make this decision, here’s a consequence that we need to plan for”.

If you have a culture that avoids or inhibits Independent thinking, people may feel they need to comply or agree, that they need consensus in their thinking. But this sameness of thinking is a weakness. It can mean people don’t question. The term “Groupthink” was coined by the psychologist Irving Janis in 1970’s, after he researched the factors that can affect team decision-making. The term has since been used in relation to disasters where sub-optimal decision-making was identified afterwards, such as the Bay of Pigs Invasion or the Challenger space shuttle disaster. Janis described how the drive for consensus can be prioritised over individual judgement, can lead people to avoid disagreement or to ignore questioning views. He found that this can lead to catastrophic decision-making because team members fail to fully consider alternatives or to gather the information they need to make an informed decision.

If you ever hear people saying  “I agree with what everyone else said” or “I don’t think what I have to say is of any value” or “you may not like what I’m going to say”, it can be a sign that you need  to encourage more independent thinking. Giving people time to think without interruption, offering them questions that encourage them to think for themselves, can help people move from a cautious and compliant way of working to build their capacity to think for themselves. As Nancy Kline has said: “ the greatest gift we can offer each other is the framework in which to think for ourselves”.

Creative Thinking comes from valuing different and independent thinking.

Listening to other people’s different perspectives can spark creative thinking. Unless you give people the opportunity to offer their own thoughts, from their own knowledge and experience, you won’t fully access the diverse thinking that’s available within a group or team. 

While colleagues may have similar backgrounds or roles, everyone sees the world through their own lens. Some of us focus on what is real, others are drawn to imagine what might be. Some people look to the past, reflecting on experiences, whereas others will think about the future, will look to what’s possible. Hearing different views can help us question assumptions, shift perspectives, elevate our thinking. Inviting and valuing different perspectives enriches the exploration of possibilities, of ideas and solutions.

In a world of uncertainty and complexity,  where you may be faced with wicked problems, it’s important to access diverse perspectives and creative thinking.

Creating a Thinking Environment is the way to do that.  

Why is it important to listen to everyone, to hear all voices?

At the heart of the Thinking Environment is a commitment to equality, a recognition that everyone’s thinking matters. Even in a hierarchy, you can value and appreciate the quality thinking of everyone equally. Having the best thinking of everyone will inform better decision-making overall.

One of the simplest ways to enable this is to structure meetings with equal time for people to contribute, to hear from everyone in the room, not just from those who speak loudest and longest. The Thinking Environment offers techniques so that you can ensure quieter people don’t have to fight to be heard.  

When team members listen well to each other, paying respectful attention, it can spark new ideas both for the thinker and for those listening. As people listen to and learn about each other, it builds connection, trust and understanding, and can enable better alignment. People don’t need to always agree with each other. The respectful foundations of a Thinking Environment help you avoid unhealthy conflict and enable constructive and thoughtful disagreement.

As people listen to each other and as they hear themselves express their own thoughts, they may realise they’ve made assumptions about others that aren’t true. It can shift people from working in silos and open up potential for collaboration.  As people feel heard and appreciated, they’ll be more engaged and be more likely to step up and take responsibility for actions.

How can you transform your meetings so that you make better decisions?   

Everyone wants the best possible results from their team meetings but they don’t always realise that the quality of the group’s decisions and actions depends on the thinking they do together first.

Real leadership is about being able to generate the finest thinking of others. When you create conditions so people can think well, individually and together, you can enable new ideas and innovative solutions. Using the Building Blocks of this framework will help have meetings that are structured and focussed and time efficient, while also being easeful and inclusive. 

Listening is a superpower that every leader needs so that they ignite the  thinking of others and empower them. Introducing this way of working for your team can build their skills too. It can help you transform your culture.  In a world where flexibility and agility are needed, investing time to make these changes in behaviours will improve how people work together, think together, innovate together. Ultimately it can transform how a team or organisation performs and what they deliver.

If you’re interested in learning how to do this, contact me for a Discovery Call or sign up here. As a Course participant said about the programme: “ It equips you with the skills to bring about a breadth of thinking in you and your team – skills that create an environment for new ideas, problem solving and innovation”.

If you want to experience how simple changes can unlock creative and courageous thinking, and if you’d value some time to think courageously for yourself, talk to me.